Let's go CD shopping

All New Zealand, all the time this afternoon. No big surprises here, but you know, if you're feeling generous:

Liam Finn - I'll Be Lightning
Can you believe I haven't flown my lazy ass to New Zealand already just to purchase this? I was holding out hope that it might be available for sale at the show. Live at Spaceland was (and I bought it), but this was not because it's technically not out in the U.S. until January. Meh, I've had to import every other release from the man, why should this be any different? By the by, I promise to post pictures of the autographed album when I get around to it.

Eagle Vs. Shark - Original Soundtrack
It's a Phoenix Foundation album masquerading as a soundtrack! (No, still haven't gotten around to seeing the movie. Pfft.) Oh yeah, and there are a couple of tracks by other folks as well (reminiscent of the Man on the Moon soundtrack some years ago which R.E.M. mostly did, only you know, The Phoenix Foundation are at the top of their game, and R.E.M. was... not).

The Phoenix Foundation - Pegasus
Ooh, speaking of The Phoenix Foundation, why do I not own this? This is the opposite of a new album. Some months ago when they did a brief U.S. tour, I sent Matt to see them do an in-store at Amoeba. He was kind enough to get Samuel Flynn Scott and Luke Buda's solo albums for me (directly from the men themselves and autographed to me, Annie!), but alas, they had no copies of Pegasus on them. Jerks. (Ok, not actual jerks but you know.)

Fur Patrol - The Long Distance Runner EP
It has been far too long since we've had anything new from Fur Patrol. Looks like they are still "putting the finishing touches" on their third album (a phrase which means little to nothing to me after years of following many bands who takes years and years and years to get anything out). Anyway, this is the new EP which they released a few months ago, so yay, positive signs!

So that's that. To import all three direct from NZ (including shipping), it should leave you short about $100, but you'll have excellent gift-giving karma. Oh, or you could buy them for yourselves, I suppose.

DONE!

I am finally signed up for classes this semester. This was way more trouble and stress than it had any right to be:

• English
• Plagues, People & Power (science for people who don't like science?)
• Western Civ to 1776
• Music Appreciation
• Intro Psychology

Now I have to buy books, and then let the financial aid department know the exact amount for my student loan. Glargh.

But seriously, how awesome is all this going to be? That music appreciation class is going to rule. I'm so freaking excited. Look out, world, here I come!

I saw Liam Finn!

Live!

He came out on stage, and I was all, "I love you!" And he looked in my general direction into the dark theater, smiled and said, "You haven't even heard me yet" into the mic.

During Crowded House's set I mostly ignored Neil (something I thought I'd never do) and craned my neck to watch Liam's lovely, lovely face and body. Don't judge me.

And I got his autograph! I waited an hour under the Pabst Theater awning, and when he finally came out, I was all, "Liam!" And he turned around and looked right at me like, "Yes? What can I do for you?" That was kind of weird because I wasn't expecting to actually have to say, "Can you sign this for me?" But I managed to find the words and did it.

He is hotter than hot is hot. He's about my height. The pen I borrowed from the lady next to me had issues, but he managed to sign the cd for me anyway. Wanted to find some kind of excuse to touch him but didn't. Wanted to tell him I love him in so many different ways but managed to keep my dignity and fade into the background while blondie next to me made a fool of herself. Ah well.

Briefly, on other people's opinions

They say you cannot change the way other people behavior, you can only change your reaction to it. Sort of a choose-your-battles kind of thing. Example:

Last year someone I know made a very generalized derogatory comment about my taste in music. We all know that to be the highest of falsities. In the two seconds before I responded, my brain managed to process the following retorts:

1. "Nuh-uh. Your music is stupid."
2. "Ok."

Option #1 is, for most people I think, the knee-jerk reaction. I really did/do think this person's taste in music is utterly horrendous. However, by going with #1, I would be validating his opinion - if what he said really hurt my feelings, it must be because I (a) respect him or (b) respect his taste in music. Which I don't.

I realized that stooping to his level with some vague sophomoric putdown would only add fuel to the fire, and I didn't really feel like getting into it especially since he wouldn't know good music if it knocked him upside the head with a brick.

What I'm trying to get at is by choosing Option #2, I stopped the would-be argument in its tracks and put him in his place. He didn't expect me to just... take it. I took it because I didn't care. I know that I have the awesomest awesome music collection in the history of awesome, and no matter what he said to me, that wasn't going to change. He believes he's got a lot of good music too, but that doesn't threaten me because it doesn't affect me. He's welcome to listen to his music so long as I don't have to listen to it and vice versa.

Crowded House Album Artwork!

According to the website, Time On Earth will be released July 2nd worldwide with the exception of (sigh) North America which will have to wait an extra eight days.

Also: single! "Don't Stop Now" to be released June 25 in bunches of different formats. I may or may not buy them all.

Don't forget Crowded House is playing Coachella this Sunday which you can see streaming (!) at 8:55 pm PDT.

Coachella Webcast

I had never even heard of Coachella before this year, but it just so happens that nearly every one of my most beloved bands and a good number of new favorites are going to be there. So. Short of abandoning my family and hitchhiking to Indio, what's a girl to do?

Watch online, of course! (*All times Pacific.)

April 27th Lineup*
03:00 PM Brother Ali
03:55 PM Noisettes
04:35 PM Tokyo Police Club
05:35 PM Tilly and the Wall
06:25 PM Of Montreal
07:15 PM Rufus Wainwright
08:10 PM Arctic Monkeys
09:05 PM Stephen Marley
09:55 PM Sonic Youth
10:45 PM Bjork

April 28th Lineup*
03:00 PM Gogol Bordello
04:00 PM Fields
04:40 PM The Cribs
05:25 PM the Frames
06:15 PM Jack's Mannequin
07:10 PM Andrew Bird
08:05 PM the Fratellis
09:00 PM Regina Spektor
09:50 PM Arcade Fire
11:00 PM Ozomatli

April 29th Lineup*
03:00 PM Anathallo
03:45 PM The Feeling
04:40 PM Junior Boys
05:30 PM Fair to Midland
06:05 PM Kaiser Chiefs
07:05 PM CSS
08:05 PM Klaxons
08:55 PM Crowded House
09:50 PM Damien Rice
10:40 PM TBD

Remember, if that doesn't look like the whole list of acts, that's because it's not. For the complete list of acts performing this weekend (including those AT&T has chosen not to stream), go to Coachella's site. I have some other plans tonight, so unfortunately I'll be busy when Rufus is onstage, but I saw somewhere that AT&T promises to archive the performances. Rawk.

Feel free to celebrate, but please get permission first.

Happy World Intellectual Property Day, everybody! On to other things:

• Two of my favorite people sent me links today about how awesome it feels to be an atheist: The Rational Atheist (thanks Amy) and this article on an upcoming program entitled A Brief History of Disbelief (thanks Jake).
• Some Brits copped WaPo's idea and sent a classical violinist into the streets to play for the ignorant masses so they could feel smug and/or decry the sad state of art appreciation. (Ok, I have no idea what their point was. I didn't actually read the article.)
• Another Brit supposes what you have on your bookshelf is a window into your soul--or maybe it's not. She's not sure and doesn't have a clear point. Currently on the table by my couch: The Da Vinci Code (still unfinished), Anansi Boys, Story of O, and What to Expect the Toddler Years.
  
• Lost was awesome last night, was it not? Did you see Jin open that can of whoopass?
• Interestingly, if you search for "can of woop ass" on Wikipedia, one of the items that comes up is John 3:16. Apparently there's a quote attributed to former WWE wrestler Stone Cold Steve Austin commonly referred to as Austin 3:16: "I just wooped your ass." I think you'll agree, the entry on John 3:16 could not have been complete without that factoid.
  
• Uh, in complete defiance and/or ignorance of World Intellectual Property Day: A radio rip of the new White Stripes single "Icky Thump"! Just make sure you buy the album on June 19.
• Oh, and didn't you know starting Daylight Savings Time early only increases the dangers of global warming?
  

I'm so tired of America

I've been thinking a lot lately about the lyrics of Rufus' new song "Going to a Town," and it's depressing the hell out of me. (Hear the song/see the video.) In it, Rufus expresses his disappointment over New Orleans,

I'm going to a town that has already been burnt down
I'm going to a place that has already been disgraced
I'm gonna see some folks who have already been let down
I'm so tired of America

frustration with the Iraq war ("You took advantage of a world that loved you well"), and the struggle for equal marriage rights

Making my own way home, ain't gonna be alone
I've got a life to lead, America
I've got a life to lead

Tell me, do you really think you go to hell for having loved?

It's just really got me down lately, especially yesterday after listening to some acquaintances mock gay pride and call pride parades "disgusting" ("They were throwing condoms everywhere!"). About an hour later, a woman I actually consider a friend was talking about how a local park isn't as nice as I thought it was because "certain... ethnic groups... aren't as clean as they should be."

I'm ashamed to say that I didn't take a stand against it. This isn't the first time this sort of thing has happened in my adult life, and each time I defend my non-action with "I was too shocked to think of anything to say," which is in part true. But like I said, this isn't the first time, and I need to get over my shock. Thing is, I don't want to start an argument with anyone, but I would like to let these individuals know in no uncertain terms that I find that kind of speech offensive and hateful and hurtful and just plain wrong.

I'm really depressed, and I need some advice. Short of never hanging out with these women again, does anyone have anything?

HUGE Dilemma

My life is so hard.

In order to get free shipping from Amazon, we need to add something else to our cart. We have narrowed it down to two albums, each $9.99. A decision must be made. We can't buy both. So:

OR

Please advise. (Except Adam because you only own one of those records and I already know what you're going to say.)

National Poetry Month strikes again

You know, when I said the other day that I hadn't come across any poems since early in the month, I was pretending to be disappointed that my pledge - to not completely ignore poetry this month - wasn't coming to much. But then last night someone posted some Sylvia Plath in her blog, and while I really liked The Bell Jar, I was not looking forward to suffering through actual poetry. I could feel my mind wandering at the first lines:

"Mirror"

I am silver and exact. I have no preconceptions.
What ever I see I swallow immediately
Just as it is, unmisted by love or dislike .
I am not cruel, only truthful---
The eye of a little god, four cornered.
Most of the time I meditate on the opposite wall.
It is pink, with speckles. I have looked at it so long
I think it is a part of my heart. But it flickers.
Faces and darkness separate us over and over.

Now I am a lake. A woman bends over me,
Searching my reaches for what she really is.
Then she turns to those liars, the candles or the moon.
I see her back, and reflect it faithfully.
She rewards me with tears and an agitation of hands.
I am important to her. She comes and goes.
Each morning it is her face that replaces the darkness.
In me she has drowned a young girl, and in me an old woman
Rises toward her day after day, like a terrible fish.

But by the time I finished, I was really enjoying myself. The imagery is nice and not too vague. It's not a difficult poem to read. I mean, I'm sure people have written theses about it and I'm sure you can delve really deep into its meaning or some such thing, but I liked it.

Even better though:

And this is my favorite part of the poem, again from the First Voice -- I put it on the birth announcements of my last baby, Luka.

What did my fingers do before they held him?
What did my heart do, with its love?
I have never seen a thing so clear.
His lids are like the lilac-flower
And soft as a moth, his breath.
I shall not let go.
There is no guile or warp in him. May he keep so.

That's just nice, and it makes my heart feel big and swollen and nice and happy and full of love because I've had a child, and it's always nice when someone expresses my feelings better than I ever could.

Five more days! What horrors will National Poetry Month inflict upon me NEXT?!?!

Crowded House album release date!

No sooner do I mention that there's no release date for Crowded House's new album than NME goes and announces it. Well, don't I feel silly. July 2! Mark your calendars!

The 14-song LP, entitled 'Time On Earth', was recorded with Kings of Leon producer Ethan Johns in Auckland, New Zealand.

The full tracklisting is:

'Nobody Wants To'
'Don't Stop Now'
'She Called Up'
'Say That Again'
'Pour Le Monde'
'Even A Child'
'Heaven That I'm Making'
'Silent House'
'English Trees'
'Walked Her Way Down'
'Transit Lounge'
'You Are The One to Make Me Cry'
'A Sigh'
'People Are Like Suns'

The band are due to appear at the Coachella Valley Music & Arts Festival this Sunday (April 29) - stay tuned to NME.COM for news and blogs straight from this year's event.

Meanwhile the band will co-headline Hyde Park Calling on June 23 and the Outsider Festival in Scotland the following day.

'Time On Earth' is released on July 2.

Ignore the bit about Ethan Johns being "Kings of Leon producer" since that's not much to brag about - replace "Kings of Leon" with "Ryan Adams and Rufus Wainwright" and you'll feel much better about the record. And actually, I'm pretty sure I knew the record was called Time On Earth, but I forgot. Here's hoping it's half as good as Neil's two solo albums.

And now, because YouTube is fun, the completely retarded video for one of my favorite songs, Something So Strong (just push play and go about your business):

Stuff to read

• Speaking of new releases, Patti Smith has an album of covers out today that, umm..., I have no idea why anyone would want to buy. Regardless, there's a good interview with her on Pitchfork, and seriously, this woman is my hero.
  
• Y'all, Edward VII ate a lot. Just so everybody knows, overeating is apparently not new.
  
• Kim Basinger says she didn't leak the scary voicemail Alec Baldwin left their daughter. Which she may not have. Or maybe she did, in which case why would she admit to that.
• And because it was so much fun before, Liam Finn in his skivvies:
  

photo quilt [tag: awesome]

A photo quilt built from thumbnails of photos recently posted to flickr tagged "awesome."

2007 Music (another damn list)

Man, so it's been a while since we talked about what an awesome year 2007 is (like, a week). I mean, I got an awesome tax return and paid off my car; fashion loves me; Barack is going to be our next president; but best of all? Rawk. And. Roll. What what y'all, that's right. Let's recap:

• Hissing Fauna, Are You the Destroyer? - Of Montreal (January 23)
• Wincing the Night Away - The Shins (January 23)
• Neon Bible - Arcade Fire (March 6)
• We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank - Modest Mouse (March 20)
  
• Living with the Living - Ted Leo & the Pharmacists (March 20)
• Night of the Furies - The Rosebuds (April 10)

All of which I am still enjoying, with the exception of Night of the Furies, but only on a technicality because it hasn't arrived in the mail yet. Ted Leo gets better every listen. Modest Mouse I can only do in small doses, and my head is still spinning from the addition of Johnny Marr (wtf?), so of those six listed, I'd have to call that album the weakest. Still to come:

• American Doll Posse - Tori Amos (May 1)
• Volta - Bjork (May 8)
• Release the Stars - Rufus Wainwright (May 15)
• Sky Blue Sky - Wilco (May 15)
• Easy Tiger - Ryan Adams (June 5)
• Icky Thump - White Stripes (June 12)
• Challengers - The New Pornographers (August 21)

Must admit I'm not sure about getting the new Tori, though on a positive note, the tracks I've heard haven't mentioned anything about driving around Ireland in her Saab. Ah, progress. Also, I am admittedly a casual Bjork fan and probably won't get the new record unless I see it for cheaps in the used record store. As for Rufus, you can watch the video for "Going to a Town" on YouTube -- the song's sentiment is hardly a new one and understandable in this socially frustrating day and age. Ryan Adams will probably release another half dozen or so records this year after Easy Tiger. The New Pornographers promise that if you buy a poster at their upcoming shows, they'll give you a code to input on their website and then they'll send you the new album when it's released.

What else? There are rumors of Belle & Sebastian finally giving us an official release of the Peel Sessions. Not to mention the Crowded House record which remains untitled and without a release date. Those are just the established acts with new records this year. Let's not forget the bands I have yet to discover and the newcomers, beginning with everyone's favorite Kiwi in London:

(Silly Kiwis have no class.)

Still waiting for a definitive release date for Liam Finn's debut solo album, I'll Be Lightning. Have I mentioned that you can listen to his stuff over on his myspace page? Because you can listen to his stuff over on his myspace page. Also, keep an eye out for Crowded House's tour dates - I have a theory Liam will be tagging along playing dive bars while dear ol' dad entertains in the theaters and music halls. We shall see...

Who did I forget? I'm sure there's several... Now you see why I keep repeating this damn list? I'm trying not to forget for my end of the year list in December.

They're like chips (because they are chips)

Recently I shared with you my love of SoyJoy, the totally scrumptious new soy+fruit bars. The other day we tried another flavor, this time Raisin Almond, and though I was really skeptical of anything flavored with raisins and almonds, I can whole-heartedly recommend to you that flavor as well. But don't take my word for it - go get your free sample now!!!

As for today's Favorite New Product: ladies and gentlemen, I give you Flat Earth! They're chips, only if you read the ingredients label you can actually recognize (and pronounce!) the words. They're low in sodium, they've got vitamins and minerals, and every ounce is 1/2 a serving of fruit or veggies.

The thing is, you can feel fat all you want, and you can promise yourself that you're never ever eating another chip for the rest of your life, but you and I both know that's not true. So, with that in mind, since you're going to eat chips anyway, why not eat chips with some nutritional value that totally taste awesome?

We had the Garlic & Herb and Wild Berry flavors over the weekend, and I promise they really, truly are yummy. Unlike, say, banana chips which are among the most disgusting things ever to be called "edible." No free samples with this one, but if you go to their website, you can print a coupon for $1 off. (Now for the bargain-hunter in me to have her say: so far the cheapest I seen them is at Target for $2.85. Subtract your dollar coupon, and bam, $1.85 for the bag. Can't beat that.)

More from National Poetry Month

As you'll recall, I pledged to not completely ignore any poems that crossed my path this month. It just so happens that I haven't seen any poems since The Tyger. The month is nearly over, but I suppose that makes one poem more than I would have ordinarily read. Oh well. :)

Tangentially-related however, some might be interested to read poet Saul Williams' open letter to Oprah after her show on hip hop's response to Don Imus. An excerpt:

...there is nothing more negligent than attempting to address a problem one finds on a branch by censoring the leaves.

Happy Earth Day!

Yay! It's Earth Day, and since the earth is the newest trendiest thing we all love, here are some way you can celebrate her today:

1. Stop drinking bottled water! Get yourself a still-just-as-convenient but way cuter Sigg bottle instead, and be cool like me and my bebe.
2. Moms - stop wiping up your kids' messes with paper towels. Target has a 12-pack of cheap washcloths for $3.99, and turns out it's not just good for the environment, it also does a better job of cleaning up the mess.
3. Use a tote bag for your groceries! I haven't gotten one yet - I really want the one over at the Onion, but the bag is $7.50 (good price) and the shipping is $7.16 (bad price). And that is why I don't have a tote bag for my groceries yet. If anyone local wants an Onion tote or anything else the Onion store is selling, let me know and we'll go in on it to save shipping.
   
4. Use a travel mug for your Starbucks! Again, haven't actually gotten this one yet because I haven't found a cute travel mug I like. Still this is good because seriously, look at the floor of your car and count how many gazillions of paper cups are back there, then multiple that by every single American. Also, like the Sigg bottles for your water, you can find a stylish mug and then you can be cool in addition to earth-friendly, and for me at least, having a product I like and want other people to see me using (yes, I admit it - now you be honest with yourself and admit it too) will make me actually use it more. (Also, I think Starbucks will take 10¢ off your total if you bring your own cup.)
   
5. Oh, and when you're in the drive-thru at Starbucks, turn off your car! Please, please, please, turn off your car. If not for the environment, then because of the price of gas, people.
   
6. What's that? You're in the living room, and yet the light in the bathroom is on? Why is that exactly? Go turn it off!
7. Lastly, nothing to do with Earth Day, but please go be amused at my really interesting new picture on myspace. It's really interesting.
   

Also, Starbucks' website has the Planet Green Game, which I haven't played yet, but it seems like a mildly festive thing to do while you're stuck in your office on Earth Day.

Aaand... I just looked and yesterday was Earth Day. Fine, but you can still totally do stuff today too!

Why does my IP keep changing???

Ok, I generally dislike meta-blogging, but perhaps there's a reader out there who knows the answer to my question. As some of you know, I use StatCounter to track visits to my site (Hi Julia). These visits are tracked via your unique IP address (and there's nothing you can do about it).

Rest assured I don't do anything with this information besides count the number of readers I have and pat myself on the back for being so awesome. I don't even know what, if anything, I could do with the information if I wanted to. (It doesn't tell me your name or who you are or anything like that, so chill. It's just a unique IP address and your city/state, that's it. Unless you are the sole occupant of your city/state, you don't have to worry about being identified by me or anyone else.)

I block my own IP from the stats because I visit my site more than anyone, and I don't want it skewing my stats. However, recently this IP kept showing up, and I was all "Who is spending THAT much time on my blog? Seriously?" Well, it's... me. My IP address changed, or I have two, or something. I don't know how this works. Anyway, so I blocked the new IP. And then today...

ME AGAIN! New IP, but still ME. How is this even possible? It's one computer, one internet connection, one XP log-in. I have no idea what's going on, but it's annoying. Any ideas?

Vagina Power!

Ok, so this video was making the rounds a few days ago, but unfortunately I didn't get to see it before it was removed from YouTube. But today it's back!

Just so you know: NSFW, though not at all NSFWSNEFSWOTITPI* as people were implying. It's not dirty so much as ridonculous and just... mind-boggling to watch someone saying all this with a totally straight face. Watch it now before it disappears from YouTube again.

You can view a transcript here. A sampling:

But what she doesn’t realize is we have to deal with our attachments and separate the love, the orgasm and the penis. They are separate issues. Cause if we at a lower level of it, and we’re hooked on the penis power, and this man won’t even buy you some shrimp from Long John Silvers. And what. That plate what… $2.99?

Also, the bit about the jackrabbit is CLASSIC.

Honestly I must applaud her for her complete comfort discussing the topic at hand and complete lack of traditional euphemisms, even if she does have a few ... issues.

*Not Safe For Work Not Even For Sex Workers Or Those In The Porn Industry

And since we're talking about fashion...

Like I mentioned in my previous post, I am STOKED about the return of leggings. Yesterday, I even saw these beauties at shopbop:



That's right, scrunch leggings. But $58 is too much to pay for a passing fad, so if anyone sees a knock-off, alert me immediately!

And now, for more stuff I'm not supposed to like...

So the other day I was in the mall with my super adorable son getting his super adorable 15-month pictures taken. On our way out, we passed by Forever 21, a store which had previously never impressed me. Except this time, there were tunics:


And this adorable rainbow hoodie:



Ok, those aren't the exact things I saw, but those are their adorable colleagues that I found online. I wasn't able to try anything on at the store, what with the squirming baby in my arms, but we're talking less than $20 per shirt here, people. Which is exactly what you want to pay for something like tunics or rainbow hoodies, things my children will look back at me wearing in pictures and snicker. They'll open up the photo albums just to show their friends how RIDICULOUS mom looked, and I'll glance over and sigh and say something nostalgic like, "It was the one time fashion was ever on my side..." Because this is my year, people. Everyone gets their chance, some people are blessed with more than one chance, but this is my year! Fashion is actually flattering on my figure! This year! I must find a way to work these items into my budget.

(I should note that I already have a few ADORABLE pieces from Target, one tunic, one babydoll dress, and one sleeveless tunic/summer dress hybrid.)

Plus, leggings are totally back, and I am not ashamed to admit that I have been waiting for this comeback since like 1992 when I got my first pair. I had black ones with a lace trim at the bottom, and they totally have those at Macy's, so I know where I'm going folks. Hello? Leggings will look so cute with my Target babydoll dress (which also looks awesome over jeans, thankyouverymuch).

Oh, and I'm not supposed to like Forever 21 because of this, but I am as capable of ignoring evangelism as I am of changing the channel when something crappy is on TV, so.

Attack of the DaVinci Code

Yeah, I know I'm the last person on earth to read The Da Vinci Code, and yeah, I know it's painfully unhip to be reading The DaVinci Code, but I couldn't care less. I started it Friday night (after finishing Spook, which wasn't anywhere near as good as the Stiff, but that's not what I'm blogging about). Between Friday night and Monday morning, every moment not spent running errands or tending to the baby was spent reading The DaVinci Code. Say what you want about the book, the author, or the Catholic Church - it really draws you in right from the beginning.

Trouble is, now I'm about 100 pages shy of the finish line, and I ... don't care anymore. This book should be over by now, right? How many more times can they elude capture? How many more crossword puzzles can they do?

Maybe I'd be more interested if the conspiracy wasn't all over the place and I didn't already know What The Holy Grail Is, etc. Honestly though after Monday morning, I haven't had the energy to pick it up again. I will finish it... eventually.

In the meantime, courtesy of Mr. Picassohead, here is The DaVinci Code as re-imagined by Picasso (and me!):

Dear Sister

In case you missed it, watch last night's SNL digital short "Dear Sister" before NBC pulls it from YouTube. Apparently it's an O.C. reference, but having never watched the O.C., we still found it rather amusing:

You can watch the original O.C. scene here.

C'mon, Chemicals!

Ok, I know I promised no more YouTubes today - and technically this isn't from YouTube - but this is SO worth it.

I didn't see Of Montreal last night on Conan because I don't stay up that late, but seriously y'all. A lobster arm? And are those crab legs or octopus tentacles or what? I almost worry that the bizarre performance detracts from the song, but it's so damn catchy I don't think it has to worry.

I've said it before in other circles, but it bears repeating that "Heimdalsgate Like a Promethean Curse" is hands-down the best song about depression that doesn't make me want to kill myself.

Much thanks to You Ain't No Picasso for the heads-up.

Don't pack your bags just yet

Just when you think the U.S. and A. is the least immigrant-friendly place on earth, Australia reminds us two can play at that game. Via Slog

For no mere mortal can resist

I realize the YouTube-ing has been excessive recently, but... I can't stop myself. Maybe someone should schedule an intervention. I'll let you know when I'm available.

When I die, I want to reincarnated as an Indian pop star. I want to sincerely do this shit without irony or a big stupid goofy grin or anything. It's like when I was a kid and used to dance around my room to Paula Abdul, only with a bigger budget:

For those of you too lazy to actually watch it, or who require more incentive, it's some Indian dude dressed up as Michael Jackson, with the Thriller music sort of sped up in the background, and what I can only assume are the Thriller lyrics translated into Hindi, except for the parts where he's yelling "Killer, killer!" Blessedly, the Thriller dance moves remain unchanged. It could only be better if there was an Indian Vincent Price, but alas.

I promise this is my last YouTube for ... well, given how fast things move on the internet, I'll try to make it my last YouTube of the day. At the very least, it's my last of the morning. Promise.

Cry, Cry, Cry

Because I feel bad about leaving Ryan Adams out of my brief list of reasons why 2007 is the bestest year in recent memory, here is a YouTube of Adams' performing one of my favorites, "Touch, Feel & Lose." (I know you've got things to do. Just press play and listen while you read the rest of your feeds.)

Ryan Adams' new record Easy Tiger is due June 5.

Eagle Vs. Shark Trailer

Let's combine three of my favorite things:

1. Awkward indie hipster romantic comedies. (I loved Garden State, and your feelings on Zach Braff are irrelevant.)
2. Indie music from New Zealand. (I was going to link to a post I had written about how music from New Zealand and, to a slightly lesser extent, Australia is the best music ever except looking through, I don't think I've actually written one. So: music from New Zealand and, to a slightly lesser extent - though not by much - Australia is the best music ever.)
   
3. Those adorable kiwi eksints. I would pay $12.50 to listen to any one of them read the back of a cereal box.
   

Anyway, all those things combine to make, dun dun dun dun! Eagle Vs. Shark!


So yes, all this is true. Looking forward to seeing Eagle Vs. Shark, though it probably won't be until it's out on DVD, which is fine. It's worth waiting for.

In the meantime, The Phoenix Foundation (that's the band that did the soundtrack for Eagle Vs. Shark - keep up) is having a US tour fundraiser on April 28. If you happen to live in or around Wellington, you should totally go and sing along extra loud since I can't be there.

Alanis Morissette is cool again.

Don't pretend you just knew she was still so awesome and ironic and whatnot. In case you haven't seen it yet, here she is covering The Black-Eyed Peas' "My Humps."

Instant classic.

I'm Famous!

Well, specifically the view from my window is.

(And by the end of the day, the snow was piled over 7 inches.)

Presidential Tag Cloud

This has to be one of the coolest things I've ever seen - a tag cloud of presidential speeches. Scroll through and see what our leaders were talking about and when.

Via Slog

A Concert Violinist Plays the Subway Station

A couple months ago, folks at the Washington Post came up with a social experiment: place violinist Joshua Bell in a Washington, D.C. Metro station and see if anyone notices. You are encouraged to read the full article here. The article is long but fascinating, filled with points of philosophy, sociology, and of course a few anecdotes on classical music and Bell himself. It also features video of Bell's Metro station performance and the few people who stopped to watch him.

Just over a thousand people passed him by on their way to work that morning, and only a handful noticed. Even fewer stopped to listen. One person recognized him. None of which is a judgment on the thousand commuters who kept walking. I readily submit to you my ignorance on classical music - that being said, I do like it and often listen to the classical station in the car. However, I too probably would have kept on walking. I know this because when I lived in San Francisco I climbed out of the Embarcadero Station every week day for nearly three years and only once or twice did I stop to listen to the musicians playing inside - and those one or two times happened at the end of the day, when I had all the time in the world to devote to listening to some guy play his saxophone at the bottom of the stairs.

That leads me to my other theory on why no one stopped to listen. I've already admitted that I know next to nothing about classical music. I know I like it when it sounds pretty or when I've been listening long enough and really get into a piece, but I know nothing about playing, composing or music theory in general: I wouldn't know a good performance if it slapped me upside the head. For the majority of us, we need someone else to point it out, to tell us to stop and listen. Then some of us will do just that. Some of us will sincerely enjoy it, some will convince ourselves we've enjoyed it because we've been told to, and others will still keep walking because it's just not their cup of tea.

The most fascinating finding of the experiment?

There was no ethnic or demographic pattern to distinguish the people who stayed to watch Bell, or the ones who gave money, from that vast majority who hurried on past, unheeding. Whites, blacks and Asians, young and old, men and women, were represented in all three groups. But the behavior of one demographic remained absolutely consistent. Every single time a child walked past, he or she tried to stop and watch. And every single time, a parent scooted the kid away.

There is a dangerous tendency to analyze the experiment and humbug the thousand people who had to get to work, to wag our fingers at them and say they were too consumed by bureaucracy or the almighty dollar. That almighty dollar is a roof over my head, food in my child's belly, clothes on his back. It would be great if we could all live a life of leisure and get to know the finer things, but that's not how our society is structured. You work for what you have so you can more enjoy the time off. And for some people, that scheduled time off includes a ticket to see Joshua Bell play his violin.

2007 continues its musical reign

The White Stripes announce the release of Icky Thump worldwide June 19th! Plus, the music that plays on the site's welcome page made my 15-month-old stop what he was doing and dance. Can't beat that.

This news comes on top of the already-released albums by The Shins, of Montreal, Modest Mouse, and The Rosebuds. Still to come: Rufus Wainwright, Liam Finn, The New Pornographers, Crowded House, Wilco, etc. Even the two new Tori tracks I downloaded the other day aren't horrible (though I'll be damned if I can find a link to the site that had them).

Basically every band I like has a new record this year except Belle & Sebastian. I swear even John & George are sending demos to Paul & Ringo from the great beyond.

The Tyger

As a rule, I have no opinion on poetry. Well, not no opinion, but I do tend to ignore it for the most part. However, this being National Poetry Month and all, I hereby pledge to actually read any short poems that I happen to stumble upon and sort of skim any long poems that cross my path. And so it happens that I stumbled upon a short poem the other day:

The Tyger, by William Blake

Tyger! Tyger! burning bright,
In the forests of the night:
What immortal hand or eye,
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

In what distant deeps or skies
Burnt the fire of thine eyes!
On what wings dare he aspire?
What the hand, dare seize the fire?

And what shoulder, and what art,
Could twist the sinews of thy heart?
And when thy heart began to beat,
What dread hand? And what dread feet?

What the hammer? What the chain,
In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil? What dread grasp,
Dare its deadly terrors clasp?

When the stars threw down their spears
And watered heaven with their tears:
Did he smile, his work to see?
Did he who made the Lamb make thee?

Tyger! Tyger! burning bright,
In the forests of the night:
What immortal hand or eye,
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?

Not only did I read it, I read the several paragraphs of analysis that followed in its Wikipedia entry. And I enjoyed it in the vague way that I have enjoyed whatever other poems I have vaguely enjoyed. (One question: did people used to pronounce "eye" or "symmetry" differently, or is it a slant rhyme type of thing?) (Also: are you totally impressed that the very same girl who professes no great love of poetry knows what slant rhyme is?) (Lastly: did you know that it's the only poetical-type technique thing I can name and therefore I bring it up anytime I think it might be relevant?)

Anyway, the real reason I'm talking about this: I was reading Neil Gaiman's blog the other day, and he posted this video which is loosely based on The Tyger (and thusly I was curious and went and read the poem). The music is driving and intense, the colors, the puppet, the animation, the stills, everything. People who argue that no one makes good art anymore aren't looking.

You only damn the ones you love

No sooner do I finish writing my previous post than I go back to the Webby nominees list and find You Are Damned. This is so brilliant I gave it its own post, so go! Husband won't pick up his dirty socks? Damn him! Friend won't stop bitching about the White Sox? DAMN HIM! Haven't picked on your sister in a while? You know what to do. Bonus points if the damned actually takes offense.

Note to everyone I know: expect a message of damnation shortly.

2007 Webby Award Nominations!

I've been skimming the list of Webby nominees this afternoon. Some favorites represented: Slate, The Onion, Best Week Ever, and holy crap Last.fm! That one excites me so much because I accidentally stumbled upon it last year while googling "Stacked Crooked" (I never did find out what the hell the words are - Carl Newman, why do you vex me so?!), and it would totally be my #1 Internet Favorite Thing except that I met my husband online, so.

Scrolling through there are tons of sites I've never heard of because I am painfully out of touch. Among the things I hadn't seen before:

• wefeelfine.org - I feel I should start beginning all my sentences with 'I feel' so I can become a part of online art. (Amy, if you haven't seen this already, I think you especially will enjoy.)
  
• FactCheck.org - Because politicians say all kinds of things.
• UGO.com - I made my own superhero with their Hero Machine. I named her Birdie because I couldn't think of anything else. Is she good or evil?
  She has four arms which I think would be useful for regular life in addition to super hero life. She also has a big stick for hitting things and for getting items off the top shelf in the closet.
  

Anyway, I'm still making my way through the nominees. Share your favorites in the comments section, and don't forget to vote!

Oh joy! It's soy!

I received a sample of a SoyJoy fruit & soy bar yesterday, and I was of course suspicious. As a rule, nutrition bars taste like dirt and contain about a gazillion calories. I was especially concerned after I opened the package - do you remember that Play-Doh gadget where you shoved the Play-Doh in a crevice and pushed down on the lever, and depending on which stencil frame (circle, square, star, etc.) you had chosen, you would then watch as your Play-Doh squeezed out a long circle, square, or star rope? Clearly, the people at SoyJoy chose the square stencil. Still, it was free and from the looks of the nutrition facts, actually healthy, so I tried it. I had the apple flavor. While I wouldn't characterize it as a flavor explosion or anything, it was surprisingly tasty. Even the baby liked it, which made me really happy because now I can picture myself confidently tossing a soy bar into his lunch bag in a few years and know that he'll eat it. And in the meantime, it'll be an easy take-along to the playground.

What's that? You want to try SoyJoy for yourself? You can! Click there and they'll send you three bars in a few weeks, and then you can feel smug while all your friends are deluding themselves into thinking Nutrigrain bars are anything other than convenient, chewable packets of high fructose corn syrup.

(Unfortunately for me, SoyJoy are not readily available in my area, and my only ordering option is drugstore.com, which requires me to buy $49 worth to qualify for free shipping. And while they're good, I'm not sure I'm prepared to spend $50 on soy just yet.)

Geraldo Rivera: The Voice of Reason

The backstory: a piece of shit drunk driver killed two teenage girls in Virginia Beach. It just so happens he's an illegal immigrant. Watch as Bill O'Reilly goes APESHIT:

And while we're on it, do me a favor everybody and please drink responsibly this weekend. (And always, for that matter.)

Hat tip to The Zero Boss for the video.

With an extra $200 a month...

Well, an extra $200 after paying off more principal on the house and sticking some in savings. So let's call it an extra $400 a month. Now that my empty pocketbook and I have grown used to one another's company, I've been thinking a lot lately about what adventures we might have should said pocketbook no longer be empty. I'd like to think that this is all relatively modest:

1. Repaint my dining and living rooms. What in god's name convinced me that "butter yellow" was actually any color other than off-white?
2. Get a Brewers 10-pack. Season tickets are extravagant and for people who have lots and lots of time on their hands. 10 games a year is totally reasonable, methinks.
3. Purchase an opera subscription. A subscription is to theater what season tickets are sports. Even if my local opera company did more than three operas a season like, say, San Francisco or London or something, I would still get the whole subscription. (Yes, I'm more devoted to the arts than I am to the Brewers, fuck off.)
4. Get a gym membership. Yeah, I've lost you now. You were with me for the repainting. You were cheering me on for the baseball! But the opera? Nobody actually likes that anyway. And now the gym? Bare with me. Exercise helps you deal with stress. So when the baby's driving me up the wall, I can better deal (or at least look fabulous doing it). Plus, at a certain membership level, members are given two free hours per day to use the in-gym daycare. And I couldn't possibly lose my motivation to go to the gym because going to the gym will mean TWO BABYFREE HOURS. And that, my friends, is why I want a gym membership. Oh, and one more thing...
5. An iPod.

Now you tell me your full pocketbook fantasies!

Good Honest Annie Since 1896.

This type of stuff is so useless, but here it is anyway. Go here and type in your name or your friend's name or what you had for dinner last night, and see it inserted into a slogan for your especial amusement. (Thanks to Amy for the link.)

Insert your own joke here

Twenty four of the funniest and most baffling seconds you will ever see: Dick Cheney lurking in the bushes.

Thanks to Slog and Dan Savage for the heads up.

I ♥ Thursdays

Wednesdays are good because I love me some Top Model and Lost. However, Thursday is the night of good comedies! (Plus one comedy in which I am emotionally invested and therefore can't stop watching no matter how bad it gets.)

Tonight! The Office! Roy attacks Jim! Who knows how Jim will react to this? Probably by being all, "Whoa man!" and then somehow lucking out of the situation. Jim's a lover, not a fighter.

Tonight! 30 Rock! I have no idea what's happening tonight on 30 Rock, but whatever it is, it's NEW! And that's good! Want to do something really fun to waste time until the show? Play Marry, Boff, Kill, direct to you from the creators of the show. It's perfect for all you bored, ironic types. For the record, I would marry Albert Einstein, boff Johnny Depp (who wouldn't?) and kill Mariah Carey.

I ♥ Immigrants

John McWhorter states eloquently what I've been thinking for years: Bilingualism is normal, and all without openly telling Newt Gingrich to suck it (but I like to imagine he was thinking it as he typed).

Second letter to an old friend who did not respond to the first

Dear Dan,

Not exactly the happy reunion I'd hoped for, I suppose. I know having
a baby around is hectic, but come on! Throw me a bone! Anything!
For example, you say something like: "Hello, how are you! The last
movie I saw was Wild Hogs, it is now my absolutely favorite piece of
cinema ever in the whole world. I have enrolled in a PhD program
recently and will be writing my thesis on the relationship between
John Travolta and William H. Macy in Wild Hogs and how that compares
to the migratory habits of North American seagulls. What have you
been up to?"

I might reply something to the effect of, "Wow, Dan, that's really
impressive. There were a lot of messages in that film. It was dense
and mutlilayered like an onion. I'm so glad to find someone so
inspired by it. Unfortunately, I prefer John C. McGinley as a
spitfire doctor and not a loserly cop, so I must give Wild
Hogs two thumbs down. Have fun writing your thesis! Cordially,
Annie."

Am I close?

Cordially,


Annie

Liam Finn! Album! Update! Sort of!

My crack detective skills at work once again:

• The closest thing to real news I have to report: Look for a July 2007 release of Liam's record, which may or may not be titled I'll Be Lightning. I'd also like to think I know his record label, and that it's a U.S. label (Hello tour!), but I'm not confident enough on this front to really say anything yet.
  

• Due to a recent message on Betchadupa's website, I no longer believe that they are completely kaput. I'm going to think of it as more of a Justin-Timberlake-keeping-the-rumors-of-an-*N Sync-reunion-alive kind of a thing. (Yes, I just compared Liam Finn to Justin Timberlake. No, I have no idea what that means. I do feel compelled to note however that while I did find that "Bye Bye Bye" song kind of catchy, I do not own any *N Sync or JT solo albums. I do however think Justin Timberlake was a great SNL host and yes, really foxy. I mean, the man brought sexy back!)
  

• Oh right, the message (dated 17 March 2007):

  hello there!
  1st message of the year and only 3 months in, i think we're getting better...
  liam has been very busy indeed making his first solo record over summer in nz. he's putting the final touches on it as we speak and it should be out sometime mid year. check his myspace page for shows and album updates. get excited!!!
  we're all almost back in london now so there may even be a few dupa shows along the way.
  keep your eyes open
  dupa.

• Also, this rather amusing message is worth reading. Was it written with a brilliant sense of irony, or perhaps it was fueled by drugs and/or alcohol? You decide.
  

In the meantime, please visit Liam's myspace and have a listen to "Wise Man," which I cannot stop humming.

The Literary Guild

Because I love a full inbox and have no friends, I give myself a good lashing now and again and sign up for some service which promises to send me at least half a dozen pointless emails a day - emails which are not quite spam but which I will delete before even opening them anyway. This means I get that momentary thrill in the morning when I see that I've got 24 new messages waiting for me, but without the pesky annoyance of actually having to read them. Is Amy coming for a spontaneous weekend visit? Have my adoring legions of fans started writing me love letters and offering me money? Has Matt finally bought the new of Montreal record and wants to apologize for being such a dolt and not listening to me when I told him to buy it months ago? Is Liam Finn finally ready to proclaim his undying lust for me?

Listen, that kind of gratification is for people who like things easy. As anyone who knows me will tell you [Since most of you don't know Annie: what follows is sarcasm. --ed.], I prefer the road less traveled. And that road, strangely, is littered with sales at the Gap, dessert ideas from Nestle, and notifications of myspace messages from users who have been deleted by the time I check my myspace inbox. Delete delete delete.

Recently, Adam convinced me to try this MyPoints thing. You slowly build your number of points over time and if you want, you respond to their offers for even more points. Eventually, you turn in your points for gift cards. In a nutshell: You sign up. They send you several emails a day. You click on the red button contained in the emails and earn 5 points. Sounds like it might take forever, right? That's because it does. However, there is little or no work going into this on your part. It takes me about 5 seconds every morning to click on the little red button and earn 5 points. Anyway, I'm not going to go on and on about this service, but if you want more information, you are encouraged to leave a note in the comments, and I'll email you an invite (yes, I get points for that).

The reason I bring up my inbox whoring and specifically MyPoints is because this very morning, I received an email offer from them which may prove life changing. I clicked on the red button to earn my 5 points. I glanced at the window that had opened up for the service they were trying to sell me: The Literary Guild. As you might imagine, they are purveyors of fine literature and condescension. The intelligentsia! The sharpest minds in the world today debating the existence of god, solving the crisis in Iraq, listening to NPR!

Or that's what it should have been. "The Literary Guild" is apparently your one-stop shop for books online: Five books for $2! Tell me more! What classics, what great tomes of literature might I find here to expand my knowledge, to shake the very cores of my belief systems?

Sorry, friends, no existentialist theory here. The first books listed on the page are by Mary Higgins Clark, James Patterson, and last but not least Danielle Steel. Not looking for a novel? How about Montel's psychic pal Sylvia Browne? Oooh! Rachael Ray! Don't you just LOVE her? Don't you just want to squeeze her until her eye balls pop out and her circulatory system busts through her skin?

Hmm... 5 books for $2, and that's 5 authors up there. But one of them is going to have to go. I just found out The Literary Guild is selling... The Secret. You know The Secret, right? Oprah won't shut up about it - it's the law of attraction, the power of positive thought.

I feel like I was drawn to this book. Like, I was thinking to myself months ago, "I need to know The Secret." And The Secret made it happen. The Secret told me to whine to Adam about wanting free stuff. The Secret told Adam to invite me to join MyPoints. The Secret waited patiently. The Secret wanted to make sure I was really ready to let The Secret in.

The Secret proudly boasts on its website that it will usher in A New Era for Humankind. One person at a time, my friends. Today, The Secret has availed itself to me for the low, low price of 40¢ (plus the extra $1.60 for the other four books and the cost of shipping as well as The Literary Guild's membership requirements).

Now, for your viewing enjoyment, The Secret Riches Visualization Tool:

I don't know about everybody else, but I am totally going to start visualizing myself a genie in a bottle. How cool would that thing be at parties?

A Hard Day's Night of the Living Dead

This one's for Matt:

My favorite part has to be the titles proclaiming "Legendary music! Gripping terror!"

Rufus! May 15th!

This really is shaping up to be the best music year in recent memory. I should start keeping a list now so I don't leave anybody out in any end-of-year lists I see fit to make. Anyway, this just in:

Rufus Wainwright will release his fifth album, Release the Stars, on Geffen on May 15. Pet Shop Boys singer Neil Tennant executive produced the Want Two follow-up, which is Wainwright's first self-produced album. Producers Marius DeVries and Andy Bradfield mixed the record, and it features contributions from Richard Thompson, Joan Wasser (Antony and the Johnsons), and actress Siân Phillips as well.

(Ok, never heard of Siân Phillips before right now, but I am delighted and relieved to tell you all that she is of no relation to Bijou. Siân appears to be a now-elderly Welsh actress who was once married to Peter O'Toole. Why she's on Rufus' new album remains to be seen.)

The album cover...


And finally, a link to the good news so you can see for yourself.

FOR SALE: Baby, slightly used, not house-trained, $500 obo

A Texas legislator wants to give you $500 to give your child up for adoption rather than have that abortion. Yeehaw! Half dozen or so of those things and I'm gettin' me one of them teevees you hang on the wall.

Hey, speaking of selling babies, some morons tried to sell their toddler for $3000 and an SUV. This isn't surprising to me because (a) stupid people are everywhere, but (b) more importantly, it took place in Owensboro, KY, across the river from where I grew up.

While we're brushing up on the laws in Kentucky, I thought it would be nice to remind everyone, what with Easter fast approaching and all, that the dyeing of baby chicks, selling of dyed baby chicks, or owning of dyed baby chicks is totally illegal. So don't do it.

Also, bagged salad is on sale for a dollar at the grocery store

Suddenly I've overcome with cool sites and news, so here's a run-down of stuff worth sharing:

• Great googlymoogly, the new Rosebuds album is available streaming in its entirety here. In addition, it is available for pre-order now - otherwise you can wait until April 10 to have a walk down to your favorite record store. If you don't know The Rosebuds, they're sort of guitar DIY-ishness except not as lame as my description made that sound. Although listening to the stream now, it sounds like they've mixed things up a bit this time around. You can listen to four of their songs on myspace too if you'd like.
• Came across this chart entitled Religion and Sexual Ethics online today, republished as it originally appeared in the SF Chronicle in 1994. Notice how the Buddhists are down with just about everything and, say, the Catholics are down with NOTHING.
• Umm, GodTube. It's like YouTube, only for Christians. Behold, the banana, the atheist's worst nightmare. Dan Savage offers a comparison:

  But... hmm... what else has a point at the top, for ease of entry, and is just the right shape for the human mouth? And is sometimes curved toward the face to make a whole other process even easier?

  Guess we should all be thanking the Lord for that as well. Well, not me personally. I'm a girl.
  
• Finally, Neal Pollack relates the questions his little boy asked while Dad tried to teach him to play Millipede:

  "Daddy, why are there bugs?"

  "There just are."

  "Then why am I shooting them?"

  "Because they want to kill you. In this game. Not in real life."

  "In real life they want to suck my blood."

  "Some of them do."

  "Or eat poop."

  "Again, some of them."

  Heh. I can't wait for my son to start talking.

Concert envy

I have seen some good shows in my day. Shows where I was there not only for the main act but the opening band as well. Rufus Wainwright opening for Tori. The New Pornographers opening for Belle & Sebastian. Bic Runga opening for The Finn Brothers. Epic freaking nights for someone like me.

Also, I can think of at least two occasions where I didn't know the opening act but enjoyed their performances nonetheless: Jonathan Richman opening for Belle & Sebastian and Angela McCluskey opening for The Finn Brothers (two nights in a row!). I even went out and bought Angela's album after that. So I've had my fair share of good shows, and I shouldn't be complaining now.

But I'm going to anyway. Connan & the Mockasins are opening for I'm From Barcelona! March 27th! 4 days from now! In London! And I? Am not in London.

*pout* I casually and unreasonably toss the evil eye at my hometown for the crime of not being within driving distance of London.

Common Misconceptions about Mormon Undergarments

Or, why I should have been thinking about how no one ever deposits a million dollars into my bank account

Not 20 minutes ago I was reading the Slate Explainer column on whether Mormon athletes wear their temple garments under their uniforms (short answer: no). After I finished the article I was chiding myself, "See, Annie, Mormon underwear is weird, but they're just Christians like all the other Christians, and they get a bad rap, and for that matter, all Christians get a bad rap. They're really just nice people, and it's the whack jobs who get all the press." And that, I believe, is the truth. I also thought to myself how weird it was that I hadn't had anyone proselytizing at my door lately (probably due to the cold weather), when I-shit-you-not I-am-not-making-this-up I heard voices outside and my doorbell rang. I don't know what denomination they were, but they wanted to leave me a pamphlet, which I refused. I would have taken their pamphlet before telling them I wasn't interested, but it would have been a waste of paper because I would have immediately thrown it out. So I helped save the earth today!

Anyway, I came away from this encounter shaking my head in disbelief going, "I am so blogging this," so I sat back down at the computer and started typing. Then I found myself clicking through the links in the Slate article, and one led me to Mormon-underwear.com. Hoping they might have a picture of these mysterious undergarments, I explored the site. Eventually I wound up on their "Common Misconceptions" page. Wanting to not be an ignorant person and eager to more understand my fellow human beings, I read them:

Misconception	Explanation
mormon underwear has knee protectors and nipple protectors	Mormon garments do not have knee protectors, or any other type of protectors. Members of the LDS church who are engaged in activities requiring physical protectors of any sort would have to use them just like anyone else.

I'm not sure why a popular misconception of Mormon undergarments is that they contain nipple protectors (protection from chafing, maybe?). Maybe it has to do with the fact that they're expected to be worn under a bra (according to the Slate article). I'm not sure how that would work (or could ever possibly be comfortable), but I'm sure they've worked that out.

Misconception	Explanation
you have to wear mormon underwear for life	Since mormon garments serve as a reminder of promises made in the temple, members of the church choose to wear them at all times when it is appropriate. If they didn't it wouldn't serve as a very good reminder! Obviously at times when you wouldn't wear normal underwear (such as bathing or swimming) mormons wouldn't wear their garments.

Sure, this makes sense. I'm glad to see that Mormons recognize that daily life does not always lend itself to the wearing of impractical undergarments.

Misconception	Explanation
mormon underwear helps to discipline young boys against masturbation	First of all, young boys wouldn't be wearing garments. Garmets are only worn after attending the temple (see FAQs). In addition, while mormons believe that masturbation is not an appropriate activity, they learn this in their church classes, not through their underwear.

Yeah, young boys don't wear the undergarment - they haven't been to temple. Duh. Also, underwear is the LEAST effective way of teaching the immorality of masturbation. My body is a temple, not a funhouse. Glad we cleared that up.

See? Why is everyone so suspicious at the prospect of Mitt Romney becoming President? Maybe they're just jealous because they've got to shop at Wal-Mart for their drawers.

Still, I suppose I won't be joining the Latter Day Saints for any church picnics this summer.